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08/10/2004 Entry: "Blame Canada!"

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Here is the long and self piteous entry on Canada. Well, really, what were you expecting? :P Don't blame me if it's boring, blame the All-Korean tour bus.

Btw. I dedicate this entry to my iPod. It faithfully served me through out the entire trip, and saved my sanity by drowning out the mess of Korean that kept trying to break through into my life. Thank you, my iPod. You even survived when that silly Korean kid told me that iPods were bad and didn't sell very well. *smooch*

Yes, well, I told you that I'd blog about Canada in a nice, horror filled, full length entry, so here it is.

First thing's first - the males might not understand my horror, but I'm sure the females will. For christ's sake, why can't Canadian public bathrooms have toilet seat covers? Spencer said Canadians were CLEAN. He LIED. I felt like I was back at the Burbank High bathrooms, minus the "Hiney Hiders" on BHS bathroom doors.

Canada wasn't as BAD as it could have been, but rest assured, I did not have what you could call the best of times. It's a really lovely country (despite the fact that it rains every bleeping hour), full of trees, mountains, trees, rivers, trees, squirrels, trees, the occasional person, trees, hotels, trees, tour buses, and, yes, trees.

Apparently 49% of the world's paper comes from trees harvested in Canada. Well. Golly gosh.

So this is the moose I bought for my sister, Joan. She asked me to buy her one, and originally, I intended to buy her one wearing a mountie outfit.. only those weren't any cute. In fact, they were downright ugly. Which is why she's getting this floppy thing instead.

I, on the other hand, got three really cute mooses (meese?). Aren't they just cuddly and adorable? I like the fact that the last one is wearing a hunting outfit, even if Joan did call him a redneck.

If Sohyun wants to see what she got, she's more than welcome to by clicking that link, but if not, she can just see it when she comes home. ^_^ I doubted that she'd want something cute, and that really caught my eye.. so :P

At any rate, I didn't really get anyone else souvenirs or much else because 1) I'm poor and 2) everything is flipping expensive in Canada. To make up for the fact that Canadian dollars are worth 1.3 of Americans (meaning $10 in American is about $13 in Canadian), EVERYTHING COSTS TEN TIMES AS MUCH. Well, mostly anything. Just try buying a book. So my father did buy me these earrings because I fell in love with them and probably because he felt sorry for me. You can't see them very well because it was freaking hard trying to get the picture to not be so fuzzy, but just know that they're a lot prettier in real life. It's copper, I believe. And I think they're gorgeous, even if my father said he thought they looked like the shields in Gladiator (which we watched on the bus with Korean subtitles).

I was thinking about it, and copper is what the Statue of Liberty is made of, right? So if my earrings turn GREEN, what do I clean them with? Just curious.

I bought the earrings, at, of all places, the Buchart Gardens. I've deemed these the cheesiest gardens in Canada. Not that it doesn't take quite a lot of work to maintain these gardens, and not that they're pretty, but neither can you deny that they're incredibly ostentatious and just a tad bit scary. Particulary the rose garden. I nearly passed out from the overwhelming odor of roses when I walked in. And christ, there must be 10% of the world's population of bees at the gardens.

What really amused me about the Buchart gardens is their "forest" with "delicately unique trees from around the world". One of the highlights was a California sequoia, planted in 1915. HA. The thing was way too short. And really, the entire forest was superfluous - not only did all the trees look the same, why would anyone make their own forest in the middle of CANADA? I swear, 90% of Canada is trees anyway. (I speak the gospel truth there - I've never seen so many trees before in my life.) Buchart Gardens should stick to their manufactured and perfectly manicured German roses.

I'd say that the most beautiful part of Canada were the glaciers, up at the Columbian icefields. I bought a postcard, which I scanned in for your viewing pleasure. And of COURSE I bought a postcard, I'm a fucking tourist. That was actually kinda cool because once we drove up to the icefields, we got out and were allowed to fill up water bottles from the glacier's melting water. It was, if you were wondering, really, really, really, cold water. It was an experience, drinking the water straight off the ice - normally, I mean, you're taught not to drink water from the wilderness. ^.^

The tour guide told us that if we fell into one of the holes up there, to smile, so that when our frozen body was discovered two hundred years later, we'd be happy to greet them. Ha.

Oh, speaking of tour guides, there were two at the icefields, and the other one was HOT. Wow. I mean, I couldn't talk when he was smiling at me. Golly gosh :P He was something like a foot taller than me, blonde, and had Extremely Blue Eyes. Oh yes. And his name was Greg. And he had an ACCENT. I'm not sure what kind of accent it was, but he was so very nice looking that I backed up over the steps and fell down.

He helped me up with another grin. God, he was hot. Sigh. I probably looked like a delirious maniac (I mean, this *was* the third day of the tour), but he still smiled. Aww. (Of course, he could have been laughing at me, but like I cared.)

So we reached a part of Canada on the first day where certain Native American tribes had once lived, and there were totem poles. And my mother felt that she needed to point them out to me.

Mom: "Oh, look, temple tots!"
Janice: "Temple WHAT?"

That joke is self explanatory, but you can imagine what type of picture I got in my head.

So, money in Canada is weird. Usually, when I want a dollar, I open the dollar part of my wallet... but not while I was in Canada. Nope, they have one dollar coins and two dollar coins. And I can't tell you how heavy this makes my wallet - apparently they switched to coins because they last longer than paper money, but for god's sake, it'll kill your wallet (or pockets) quite a lot faster. Grr. Not to mention, I swear to you, quarters and nickels are the same freaking size there. -_-

Most Amusing Tour Bus: Southern Christian Association. Just as racial as the all-Korean tour bus. About fifty really old white people got off, and I swear to you, every single one of them raced for the bathroom.

So at one point we reached a "ghost town" (self declared so by the owner), and it was, well, really boring. He had a hotel with an old picture on the wall, who he informed me was His Majesty the King of England - or would have been if he hadn't abdicated the throne by marrying a divorced woman. Another one of the thirteen year olds hadn't heard, so he asked me who it was.

Janice: "That's the man who would have been the king of England if he hadn't married a divorced woman."
Kid: "He can't be the King of England!"
Janice: "Why not? Look at the label."
[Picture Label: "His Majesty the Prince of Wales]
Kid: "Yeah, exactly. Prince of WALES. Not England. WALES. You're stuupid."
Janice: ....................................... didn't you ever hear of Diana, Princess of Wales?
Kid: "Who?"

Keepin mind that he's thirteen and was something like six when Diana died. Well, this is also the same kid that told me that iPods don't sell very well because they don't work with PC's. (He informed me earlier that he was going to take "IB" courses, which are MUCH more difficult than AP courses, and scoffed at my measly five AP's. Oh, the shame.)

There were a ton of kids on the bus, but really, none of them were about my age. There was another 17 year old, but, amazingly enough, she wanted to be there even less than I did. (She also had FOB stamped across her forehead, and no, I do not place people in boxes as soon as I meet them.) There was a half German kid, too - who I nearly murdered because he enjoyed tapping me on the opposite shoulder of where he actually was. I lost it towards the end of the trip and slapped him good across the shoulder. Well.

There were several really cute kids, including a three year old named Jane. She had Big Brown Eyes. And goodness, wasn't she the most adorable thing in existence.

Too bad she hated me. -_-

There was another cute kid - a little boy from Korea, who told me he was ten, but I swear, he looked like he was seven. (He was unusually short and skinny for a ten year old.) He spoke to me in halting English about anime ^^; what an adorable little boy. We also had an enlightening conversation.

Cute Kid: "So do you know what David showed me?" (David was the half German kid.)
Janice: "No, what?"
Cute Kid (whisper): "He showed me the fucking hand!"
Janice: "HE SHOWED YOU THE WHAT!?"
Cute Kid: "The fucking hand!"
Janice: O.O "That's a bad word, sweetheart, you really shouldn't use it." (Stop laughing, all of you, I didn't curse one time on this trip.)
Cute Kid: "What, fucking?"
Janice: "Yes, THAT ONE."
Cute Kid: "? But all the kids use it in Korea.."

Oh, from the mouths of babes. I guess American cuss words are popular in Korea.

He also taught us an extended, Asian (my sister called it violent) version of rock-paper-scissors. I thought it was hilarious. You play normally, until someone loses. When that happens, the winner points two fingers (index and middle - on the same hand, dearies) right between the person's eyes and counts to three. Upon three, the winner points her fingers either up, down, left, or right, and the loser turns his head in one of those four directions. If the loser turns in a different direction than the winner's fingers, he's safe; if not, he has to take a forfeit. The winner then puts his hand above the other person's head and goes through the motions of rock-paper-scissors until the other person says stop.

Scissors: You pinch their cheek.
Rock: You punch them in the stomach.
Paper (this is my favorite): You slap them across the face.

Buahaha. I played the little kid one round, and I won, and I got rock.. and yes, I punched him in the stomach, but talk about pulling back my punch. (It was like a soft touch.) He's ten. :P What was I supposed to do?

We met a traditional Asian Mom on the bus. You know we'd have to. She had yet to meet my mother, who really isn't the typical Asian parent, despite all things.

Asian Mom: "MY son attends MEDICAL School."
My mom: "So does my daughter. UC San Diego Medical School."
AM: "Oh, really? My son attends GEORGETOWN. It's a VERY prestigous medical school."
Mom: "How nice."

[Later]

AM: "My 9th grade son attends OXFORD. (It's in California, btw.) It's a VERY difficult school. You have to take an EXTREMELY hard test to get into it. Where does your youngest daughter attend?"
Mom: "A public school. Burbank High."
AM: "PUBLIC?"
Mom: "Yes."
AM: *gasp*

Too bad she didn't have a heart attack. That would've been really funny. As it is, my sister gleefully informed me earlier that UC San Diego medical is ranked higher than Georgetown.

Well. That's Asian mothers for you.

Most of the kids fell in three age ranges - nine, eleven, and thirteen. There was David, but he was pissing everybody off, so he doesn't count. At any rate, we all "bonded" together (much to my horror, but what else was I going to do?) and one night, they called me out to go play. Or something. (I haven't been invited out to play since I was, well, twelve.)

Janice: "So, what are we doing?"
Irene (one of the Korean girls): "We're going to knock on people's doors and run away!"
Janice: "We're going to WHAT?"
[one of the boys starts knocking on a door]
Janice: O_O

So of course I had to run away with them. I mean, what if I had been caught? Talk about being dead meat. Wow, I had forgotten how it was to be that idiotically stupid and young. (So says the ancient seventeen year old.) Thank goodness we didn't get caught - you know who would've been in trouble. Me. You're the oldest and why didn't you stop them it's your responsibility to take care of them nag nag nag nag nag..

I happened to mention this (I was trying to gently dissuade them of waking up the whole hotel with their knocking), and one of the nine year olds said, "What, you're seventeen?" I asked him how old he thought I looked. Of course I shouldn't have asked, what a stupid thing to do. He replied, "I dunno.. I guess twelve?"

May I ask what the point is of going through the torture of annual bra shopping if everyone thinks I'm twelve? What is the purpose of my existence? -_-

If you wanted to know, btw, most of the tour was basically sitting on the bus. And sitting on the bus. And sitting on the bus. Every day, I clicked on my iPod and tuned out, basically. When I was in a particularly angry mood, I turned on the two Eminem mp3's I had, and discovered that I want more of his songs. He's not the most brilliant artist out there, but nevertheless, he's excellent at tuning everyone else out. That is how I survived the 1500 mile trip and not killing everyone in existence. Yes, through Eminem. Actually, on the last day, I forgot to recharge my iPod player overnight... so I asked the bus driver (his name was Mike :P he was very cool) if there was an electrical socket on the bus. No, he said, but actually, he asked an employee at our next stop if they would charge my iPod while we were there. HAHA. I bet anything I am the only person to ever recharge my iPod at Buchart Gardens. Go figure.

Now that I've bored you all senseless (and Christina, speaking of boredom, I'm in the fourth chapter of Crime and Punishment - I swear to god, he just spent the last fifty pages yelling at himself, and is Faulkner any good?), comment and go to sleep. :)

Spoken words: 21 have fallen.

janice, you play video games and you complained that all the trees looked the same.

tisk tisk.

woo, i got the first comment, however i will not go to bed.

it's good to know you were reminded of me by your driver and the hottie tour guide and the milage.

Posted by Zenkalia @ 08/10/2004 10:14 PM PST

... I <3 you, Jan-chan.

Posted by Sarah @ 08/10/2004 10:40 PM PST

did you make sure you killed some Canadians for me?

Posted by Earl @ 08/11/2004 08:44 AM PST

I LOVE that the BHS bathroom stall doors are labeled "Hiney Hiders." LOVE.

I can't believe you took so much sass from that thirteen-year-old kid. The Janice I know and love would have killed him on the spot.

Oh, and you know what Foxy Greg's accent was? FRENCH. Because the FRENCH are COOL. It is written.

About Faulkner: I read the first twenty pages of The Sound and the Fury (the first quarter of which is narrated by A RETARDED PERSON), said "Where the hell is the incest?!" and threw it across the room. At least I understand Crime and Punishment.

Wow, I sound incredibly vapid. Hey, guys, I'm smarter in real life. Sometimes.

Posted by Christina @ 08/11/2004 11:50 AM PST

Mike: "you play video games..."
Hello. VIDEO GAMES. Try that against real life.

:P I can understand how you'd get the driver, but how would you get the hot tour guide and the milage? And at any rate - bra shopping is a pain in the ass. Nothing more embarassing than when you bump into some poor husband or boyfriend who's been dragged along.

Sarah: Smoooooch.

Earl: I know they stole your mp3 player, dear, but your hatred of Canada is somewhat frightening.

Besides, I have to forgive Greg. Because he was hot.

Christina, my darrrling... yeah, when I noticed that about the BHS stalls, I couldn't believe it. (One can't help but notice while sitting there.)

And I can't beat up on a thirteen year old. For one thing, there are too many adults around to say "You're the oldest don't do that", and then what if he cries? Dear god.

Foxy Greg. Is that a title? So now every time I remember him, I idealize him more and more and more. It got to the point today where Stacy said something about imagining him wearing boots - only boots - and voila, I can no longer imagine him with clothes. Not that that's such a bad thing.. and French? Actually, it sounded vaguely Australian, but hey.

So what *are* you reading? American man or Russian man? Because heaven knows that Crime and Punishment is driving me nuts.

Incest - have you ever heard of twincest? ^_^ Most recently with Fred and George Weasley. People are sick creatures, aren't they... I read a Hermione/Draco/George the other day (don't ask), and the last lines of the story were something like, "Hermione, we want you to bear our children.." "Oh, yes, I love you both!" Jesus.

Vapid is good. For god's sake, when I was imagining Greg wearing boots - and just the boots - I must've sounded like a panting fangirl. (I really hope my sisters already read this entry.)

Posted by Janice @ 08/11/2004 02:46 PM PST

poor husband or boyfriend? if the woman is in ANY good mood she's going to show him her boobs to make it up to him.

Posted by zenkalia @ 08/11/2004 05:22 PM PST

Hooters, Mike. They are called hooters.

Posted by Sarah @ 08/12/2004 12:24 AM PST

Sarah: No. They do not make sounds. (At least mine don't. Do you have something to tell us?)

Janice: Foxy Greg was FRENCH. Accept it and move on. And yes, it's a title. "Foxy" is like "Doctor," except much better for what ails you. Ahem.

I have heard of twincest. Scary, but I was still disappointed in the lack of incest in The Sound and the Fury, just because it amuses me to see subversive stuff like that in exalted literary classics. Jane Eyre more or less turned St. John down because there was no prospect of a good sex life (read between the lines, baby), and I squealed with joy.

Oh, and I'm reading Russian man. Tomorrow. Really. It will all be worthwhile if you and I FINALLY end up together in an English class. Eeee!

Also, it's much easier to look twenty when one doesn't bother with healthy exercise stuff, especially all that crazy swimming. Chest muscles? What on earth are those?

Posted by Christina @ 08/12/2004 01:47 AM PST

Hoot.

Posted by Sarah @ 08/13/2004 12:34 AM PST

And yet another thing to add to the list of why The United States of America is better than most things.

Posted by Spencer @ 08/13/2004 05:25 AM PST

Janice your vacation sounds fun...well better than staying home right? Umm... and I thought we were suppose to read Faulkner's Light in August for English class? Am I wrong? I hope not cuz I bought it.

Posted by Taleen @ 08/13/2004 02:54 PM PST

Even better than pie?

Posted by Sarah @ 08/13/2004 11:14 PM PST

Hey, Taleen! You have to read two books for AP English.

1. Either Crime and Punishment or Light in August

and

2. Either The Woman Warrior or Their Eyes Were Watching God

Posted by Christina @ 08/14/2004 01:59 PM PST

Holy Crap. Do you get a time to rest those friend brains?

Posted by Sarah @ 08/14/2004 02:32 PM PST

...rest is overrated anyways...

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Posted by Christina @ 08/17/2004 06:51 AM PST

Janice! Stay in period 2 English! We can be pedantic lit geek buddies! You know you want tooooo...

Posted by Christina @ 08/17/2004 12:45 PM PST